johm.rocks!

5/5/25

I have been struggling with the roller coaster of my gender identity and sexuality likely since I was 14. I have for a long time struggled to properly identify myself with a coherent label which could grant myself some sort of clarity for how I perceive myself. During this write-up I will attempt to clearly label where I stand regarding my gender / sexuality as sort of a celebration for me coming out publically. Coming out as what you may ask? Well that's the first question with a very difficult answer.

I think the easiest way to begin the gender discussion is to start with the basics. Since I was young I have struggled to identify with what I consider to be the "male" gender. Obviously masculinity is a spectrum of broad stereotypes which aren't always applicable to someone, but even beyond those stereotypes I have never once considered myself to be a "man." For the longest time though, I have considered a label such as that to be completely arbitrary. This ideology is what has been at the forefront of preventing myself from any form of gender/sexual expression since I was a kid. I believed that a label was completely arbitrary, and alongside that any desire to label myself would be viewed as strange and annoying to the people around me. There is no basis in that claim, my friends are very caring and kind people (yes, even you reading this.) But I have let arbitrary restrictions like that keep me from ever trying to identify what I am on the inside.

Femininity is something which has been associated with me through friends/family members for a very long. Since I was young I believe that my family has always had some sort of idea that I am probably not straight, however they have no real basis for that assumption. They don't ask, I don't tell. I digress, even as a child I was called "girly" or some other term in a derogatory connotation in an attempt to put me down. Clearly it worked since years later I still hold onto it, but probably not for the reason they think. My entire point in bringing up these concepts such as "Masculinity" or "Femininity" are to spend this portion of my write-up completely rejecting any of the notions associated with them.

To get some very surface-level gender ideology out of the way, I believe that gender is entirely a man-made social construct and the aforementioned labels completely fall into that category as well. If I do not believe in the concept of Male nor Female as something that exists - then I cannot exist within any "binary." Gender clearly exists in the sense that it is a construct that we recognize, however I do not believe that gender actually exists in a metaphysical sense (Does that make sense? Who knows.)

Rather than considering what I identify as anything under the spectrum of non-binary, I consider myself to be something that lacks an explicit gender identity (which actually may be within the non-binary spectrum when I think about, but I am just stream of conscious typing at this point.) The proper terminology for what I feel would probably be easiest described as Agender. Easy! Solved! Let's wrap up the write-up and go on home now.


However, I don't exactly believe that agender is a proper terminology for me either. Let's imagine gender as a cube: within that cube, a plane exists for each part of what may be considered necessary for the formation of gender identity. We have:

• Physical (Sexual Organs/Facial & Body Hair Growth/Etc)
• Emotional (Identity/Orientation)
• Social (Presentation/Gender Roles)

Now consider mapping myself onto this plane. Within the Physical, I would obviously score within the "Male" part of the plane due to my sexual organs, yet on another plane I take intentional steps to limit how I may be perceived as masculine (by intentionally limiting muscle growth / shaving / etc) On the emotional side of the spectrum, I am identifying more feminine of that given day internally. When it comes to how I present myself however, I am opting to present in a more neutral sense. When you add each of these planes together they begin to cancel eachother out in a way and become part of a whole. The masculine side is zero'd out by the feminine side, and vice versa. When you combine each plane of the cube together you don't ignore any of the sides; they are all vital for the structural integrity of the cube, yet when you as an onlooker see the cube - you don't see the parts, just the whole.

My entire point with saying this is that while sub-conciously I am feeling multiple different gender identities, in the end I am perceived both externally and internally as the accumulation of what all these different aspects of my gender (Physical/Emotional/Social) add up to. I cannot view myself as agender, as obviously I feel way too much - yet at the same time I cannot view myself as nonbinary as there are times when the cube completely evens out to be nothing. It almost seems as if I continously switch from some form of gender-fluidity and agender.

I wish I was able to end this with some sort of profound statement, but if you're reading this at the very least maybe you can walk away saying you learned something new about me (or maybe too much!) I think the best thing I have learned while trying to explore these labels and attempting to lock one down is that I have a wonderful support system of friends and others who care about me and are directly responsible for this.

TL:DR:

What is your gender?
I don't know.
What is your sexuality?
I don’t know.
What do you know?
There is love in my heart and food in my belly and that alone is enough.

EDIT: DECEMBER 1ST
I AM A BEING BEYOND GENDER AND BEYOND COMPREHENSION, OVER MANY MONTHS I HAVE LEARNED THAT. I AM JOHN AND I AM JOAN AND TOGETHER WE ARE BEYOND COMPREHENSION AND CAPABLE OF JOY UNTOLD. GOODNIGHT

Index