johm.rocks!

5/11/25

The original religion write up has been postponed until a later date. It has ballooned to a whopping 4000 words so far and is not complete. I wanted to get something small out which roughly discusses personal anecdotes and beliefs which I will elaborate on later. I recently read this post / short story and felt moved to describe a bit of my own experience living in a situation somewhat similar to this.
trigger warnings for the usage of a slur, mention of sexual assault, and in general just not being as uplifting of prose as the first write up. Sorry if this is a messy rollercoaster.

I remember the first time I heard the word “faggot.” I overheard a family member using it to describe an estranged uncle of mine. I had met him a few times in my life and always thought he was an incredibly kind individual, so I was lost at why such an ugly word was used to describe him.
I am not like these people.
I remember when my mother found out one of my long term friends was gay. She yelled at me that he was living an “unclean” lifestyle and that I had to pray that he would see the error of his ways. To my memory this is the only time in my life I’ve ever fought with my mother.
I am not like these people.
Maybe my memory is flawed, but I can’t remember a time at a mass at my catholic elementary/middle school where the priest took time out of his sermon to mention the evils of the democratic party and the “transgender agenda.” Nowadays I can’t even fathom a service where the pastor DOESN’T mention something about modern day politics.
I think about how my mom disapproves of the people around me. How she wishes that I would befriend people within the church and “stop living a double life” as she loves to put it.
But I am not like those people.
I am an undeniably queer person who exists within a community of people who love, understand, and accept me and my uniqueness. When I hear the word “faggot” thrown around in most of the settings I am in nowadays there is a jovial nature to it. It is used by queers, for queers, for the purpose of reclaiming an awful word intended to harm and demean us. There is almost something friendly about the word when I hear it now.
Almost.
The other time that I hear the word is when I hear it at work, in a church. When I hear it there, there’s something different about it. I talk so often about autism and my inability to read tone, but the tone of hatred cuts through like a knife.
I remember when I was 13, my mother forced me to speak with a “Christian Counselor.” I wasn’t aware at the time but this was most likely due to her growing fear that I was a homosexual based on the (true, accepting, yet unfortunately misguided) assumptions of my sister. I wasn’t really looking to open up to him, and had no desire to. Unlike a real therapist, my mother had given him a considerable amount of background information on me.
At the start of the second meeting with him he led with a question. He asked me if I had been developing any homosexual urges due to prior sexual assault. I didn’t know what to say, I recall it being the first time in my life where I was unable to speak. He said that if I was I had to say something so that way he could “save” me from being a “faggot.”
I will never be like these people – and truly I believe it’s because of the people I was around growing up who my family disapproved of. I believe it was because of my few interactions with my uncle which shattered the homophobic notions I had grown up with due to members of my family. I believe it was because of my father who tried from a young age to instill strong political views into me which contrasted what I was told. Most importantly, I believe it was because of the loving friends and communities around me which encouraged me to step away from my comfort zone and try to be different from what others wanted me to be.

I feel as if the current write up probably makes it seem like I am probably incredibly jaded and anti-religion due to prior experiences. Personally I am a strong believer in the idea that you need to separate the institution from the faith, I don’t inherently believe any religion is evil. Through my (admittedly shallow) studies of Islam I have seen how important this religion is to its people. The intertwining between culture and religion seen in places like Iran is my personal proof in the good and beauty that religion can bring.

Where do I stand exactly?

I am not really sure.

Fundamentally I do think I believe in the concept of god, I don’t exactly have a reason not to. I do however struggle to contend with the idea of an omnipotent/omnipresent god as I struggle to rationalize the idea of a loving god allowing there to be constant suffering.
I realize as I write more of my ideologies out that I tend to believe whatever I find to be most comforting to myself in the current moment which may be a flaw. Over the course of two different days of looking at this I would like to believe i have a consistent draw towards the idea that god is loving as well, not because of any direct influence or action he may take/has taken but because it simply provides me with the most comfort.
I do not really think I necessarily believe in the god of abraham either, I often struggle with how much of the bible I believe to be real and overall I struggle with how much I exactly believe in the old testament as a whole (and additionally hate the characterization of god in it as it goes against my personal view of god)
I don’t exactly think I believe Jesus Christ was the second coming of god, but oh my gosh I do believe that the character of Jesus is such a comforting figure.

Time for a side tangent, my favorite character in the bible is Judas, I love the concept and tragedy of Judas and his life. People much smarter than I have debated this for hours but allow me to share a bit of what I’ve read. Jesus had to die for our sins, that was the whole point. Did Judas have a choice in that action? Do you believe Judas had the free will to choose or was he predestined to make that decision from the beginning for the sake of fulfilling his purpose?
Do you believe free will is even a thing at all? I got a friend with a good writeup on that……
I think parts like this are what make the character of Judas so interesting, if for a moment I say the Christian God is real, isn’t it really cruel that a man was forced to betray another man for the rest of humanity to receive salvation? Forevermore Judas is scorned while the rest of us reach salvation?
I love media that likes to tackle the fate of Judas as well, I watched the musical Jesus Christ Superstar within the last year and I think it’s become one of my favorite examples of this.
I actually just really enjoy new testament “fanfiction” as a whole, I think it’s so interesting.

Anyways right - I find comfort in the idea of Christ but don’t exactly believe he was the son of god. Regardless – I think if somebody asked me to go to a catholic/lutheran/ANYTHING THAT ISNT NONDENOMINATIONAL CHRISTIAN mass with them I’d probably say yes just because I think part of my heart yearns for what I now romanticize as a youthful tradition. I find so much joy in learning more about the text and hearing the interpretations other people have of it.
I think there is a god, but in my eyes he probably is not all seeing, all knowing, or all present. Alas, I still find comfort and joy in my idea of his existence because I am human. I don’t know if I will ever be able to join an institutional religion and I don’t know if I will ever find one that fits my beliefs, but I do find comfort in the idea of god.
That’s all I wrote.